I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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