Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
