It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
