Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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