She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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