In America we eat man semen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
