I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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