My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i came on her dog
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
