Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
