1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize