cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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