Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
