I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
