Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
