Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
