Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
