I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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