You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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