You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize