Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
3pm strippers are depressing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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