Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
