i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
