i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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