you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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