you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
