i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
