I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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