I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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