i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
