I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
