i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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