we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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