part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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