watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
