highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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