I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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