So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize