if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
