Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
