Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
