we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
