Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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