Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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