my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
