Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
