You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm too high and old for this...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize