I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize