By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
