halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize