I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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