Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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