This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
