It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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