does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
