don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
